Even the most ingenious plans can fail because of just one simple inadequacy; the idiot who makes them.
Hovey The Giant
Once upon a time there was a daft alcoholic giant named Hovey who craved immortality. He was a bully who ruled over a vast land.
But Hovey didn’t have a fierce bone in his oversized body.
Unknown to his subjects, a dying wizard cast a spell on Hovey, rendering him incapable of harming any living creature. Since then, Hovey, scared his impotency would be discovered, had become more than just vegetarian: he’d become a case study in paranoia and alcoholism.
In a rare moment of sobriety, Hovey concocted a plan to preserve his dignity and acquire endless wealth. He ordered his subjects to bring him the fiercest, meanest person around; someone to become his mouthpiece.
Along came Brutus. A man with biceps larger than most people’s legs. For years he ruled vicariously through Brutus, issuing orders that were dutifully carried out in his name, and in the process acquiring vast stores of gold, jewels, and alcohol.
Time and loneliness mellowed Hovey to such an extent that Brutus – a despicable man with equally nefarious intentions towards the locals – became his drinking buddy.
But Hovey constantly lived with the menacing thought that his counterfeit power would eventually be exposed. Then, one night, after a heavy drinking session with his mouthpiece, he knew why.
Hovey had started to trust a human; been too trusting. He had revealed his secret over several bottles of mead. The mouthpiece, seeing an opportunity, had poisoned him.
As Hovey felt his life’s energy ebbing away, the human gave him a look of triumph; similar to the wizard after that dastardly spell.
As darkness descended upon his eyes, Hovey caught two visions: of his mouthpiece continuing to create fear and acquire wealth in his name; and of the man’s endless lineage ruling over the population – forever invoking Hovey’s name.
The giant smiled. Hovey would live forever.